Archive for the 'OldBoys' category

Old Boys Beat Landsdowne 4-2 To Go Top

May 04 2017 Published by under OldBoys

The Old Boys traveled north on Sunday evening, beyond the wall and into wildling territory. As they lined up against their opponents, the pale skin and piercing blue eyes shone from across the playing field.  White Walkers?! No! Landsdowne Bhoys. Whale oil beef hooked. And they were about to be put to the sword.

(Sorry Clarky, I honestly couldn’t help myself. And it does get worse…)


The opposition

In this strangest of locations the abstract was further enhanced by the fact that Dolph Lundgren had turned up to referee! A daunting figure already, it quickly transpired that Dolph had picked up quite the obscene dialect since his career transition to refereeing, and was not shy in dishing out the profanities. Old Boys started with a strong pace and both teams were testing out each others defense with a series of long balls aimed at the back line. Levy had a shot come back off the bar, whilst Sawyer should have opened the scoring with a header at far back post. The scoring was finally opened with a deft header at the back post from Brindley, after a perfectly weighted cross from Levy. Against the run of play, Dolph then awarded a dubious penalty for a handball against Hollins. With the penalty tucked away at 1-1, Holladonna then struck again with another deft caress of the ball. It had been a while mate, don’t worry. The Old Boys went in at the break 2-1 down after the home team scored before the break in only their second attempt at goal. A rousing halftime team talk and the second half was one-way traffic. Engler finally arrived after being delayed at Craster’s Keep, and added a new dynamic to the right wing with pressure building on the home team.

Amongst a number of corners, the elbow-to-face-count was at an all time high when Sebastian jumped clear of all bodies to head Lalo’s corner firmly past the goalkeeper and into the back of the net to make it 2-2. Shortly after, Engler’s good work down the right prevailed. Another corner was shortly cleared, only to find its way to Steve Morse at 35 yards out. Like Figo in his prime, Morse sent a dipping half volley over 15 players and the goalkeeper and into the back of the net. Cue the mobbing from his 10 team mates.

Finely poised at 3-2, Edmunds was doing his best to irritate the opposition from the sidelines, and with players picking up injuries, a fascinating debate was struck up between Mark and Paul as to who was ‘more unfit’ and therefore less likely to be called upon if needed. To digress – a half-fit Paul Clark may still be the fittest player on the team, whilst a half-fit Edmunds may be considered ‘in his prime’ by some.
Dolph was having a mixed game at this stage. The opposing manager, who claiming he’d missed three blatant fouls, came marching onto the field to stress… “Tree times Ref, Tree times!!!”. Although in Dolphs defense, the accusations of foul play were coming as regular as rain on the emerald isle.

(I did warn you all…)

With ten minutes to go, Seb had a shot blocked before turning on the style and curling one in under the side of the crossbar from 20 yards. The Old Boys were now firmly in control. The Landsowne Bhoys keeper made a number of good saves and the Old Boys defense had perhaps its best game of the season to see out the game. Pablo commanding his line well, with One Eye, Brindley, Andy, and Morse not only providing half the goals,  but keeping the tide at bay.  The tide couldn’t be kept at bay in Brindley’s car on the way home unfortunately, as all passengers were provided the full narrative of the opening goal in imaginatively recounted detail. I’m sure this recollection will still be available upon request at the Kentucky Derby Party this weekend. I myself am now word perfect.


The evening ended with a few pints a Mad River and a ‘top of the table’ toast.

Viva Old Boys.

David Sawyer

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Old Boys Go 2-0 with Win over Manhattan Celtic

Sep 21 2015 Published by under OldBoys


The OldBoys squared off against a solid Manhattan Celtic Bhoys team on Sunday and came away with a 3-1 victory. The OldBoys enjoyed the majority of possession throughout the game but found it challenging to breakdown a very solid Celtic defense. Brandon scored the first of his three goals in the 30th minute, giving the OldBoys a 1-0 halftime lead. The halftime talk focused on continuing with what worked in the first half and coming out strong in an effort to put the game away. 10 minutes into the second half Brandon found the back of the net for the second time off a cross from Ernest. The second goal deflated the opposition and the OldBoys had total control of the game. In the 70th minute Sawyer set up Brandon in front of the net and he secured a hat trick. The defense limited Celtic to just one shot on goal but it was a well struck shot from the 18 that gave Celtic a glimmer of hope in the 75th minute. The OldBoys finished the game strong and took all 3 points.

Overall, it was a great team performance and good preparation as we face some high quality teams in the next two games.

Goals: Brandon (3)
Assists: Ernest (2), Sawyer
Man of the Match: Pfft, if you score a hat trick you’re certainly MOTM. Brandon.

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OldBoys open Season with 5-1 Win vs Gotschee

Sep 21 2015 Published by under OldBoys


The CPR OldBoys opened the season with a win against short-handed BW Gotschee. The 5-1 result was never in doubt as Gotschee didn’t field a full team.

Goals from Jens (2), Sawyer, Brandon and Creighton.

Assists from Engler (2), Diego and Rob.

Man of the Match: None, just solid performances all around as we cruised to an easy W.

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A frustrating end to a fantastic OldBoys season

May 19 2015 Published by under OldBoys

The OldBoys squared off against the Shamrocks in the O-30’s Division 1 Semi-Final on Sunday. It was an evenly-matched, low-scoring, grind-it-out type of game with two of the league’s best defenses yielding limited scoring chances. The Shamrocks came out strong in the first half and true to form banged aggressive direct passes up to their strikers. The OldBoys absorbed the pressure and while the Shamrock fired plenty of shots the OldBoys only allowed one shot on target the entire half. But, Shamrocks #20 made the most of that lone opportunity, as he slipped into the box from a very wide angle he blasted a shot over Becker’s head and into the underside of the cross-bar for the game’s opening goal.

The OldBoys struggled to create much in the first half. The best opportunity emerged as Jens beat his man on the right wing but as he entered the box with an eye towards Matt Hureau’s free central run, the Shamrock defender took Matt down, leaving no one on the end of the pass and a referee not interested in blowing his whistle. Kinda frustrating. The Shamrocks lead 1-0 at the half.

At halftime the OldBoys made some major adjustments. We decided to put out our most attacking line-up and push hard for a goal early in the half. That left us a bit exposed at the back and Shamrock nearly took advantage as their only other shot on target the entire game hit the post. Relieved, the OldBoys pushed forward. In the 55th minute, Ernest skinned his man on the left wing, got to the end line inside the box, passed to Steve Morse for a shot from the 18 that hit Brandon, Brandon passed to an unmarked Ernest for a tap in goal. 1-1. Our halftime changes were making a huge impact.

We stuck with our attacking line-up and as we continued to pressure Shamrock the ref cut Shamrock a break on what should have been a game-changing decision leaving them with 10 players. As Matt was beating his man on the right wing he cut back into the wide-open middle and was headed for goal from about 30 yards out. Knowing he was totally beat, Shamrock #17 who was already on a yellow threw out a desperate foot and caught Matt’s heel. The referee agreed and said it was definitely a yellow he but didn’t want to send the player off. It was such a perplexing conversation with the ref because he 100% agreed it was undoubtedly a yellow card offense but in the same breath just shrugged and said of course he’s not going to call it because he didn’t want to send the player off. WTF? Shamrocks knew they got lucky and immediately subbed off #17 who never returned. Highly frustrating.

With 30 minutes still to play the OldBoys felt they had another goal in them and I’m sure the Shamrocks thought the same. Shots on target were few but the referee’s gifts to Shamrock were plenty. As the OldBoys threatened, Earnest was dragged down in the box to prevent him from receiving a pass. Again the ref was not interested. Then the dagger in the heart. In the 73rd minute, Paul and #20 were going after a ball in our box when #20 hooked Paul’s arm and dragged him to the ground hoping the ref would call a penalty….to everyone’s surprise, the ref let play proceed, still on his knees screaming for a call #20 just threw himself on the ball to force the ref to make a call, the ref still didn’t blow his whistle, then #20 picked the ball up, brought it to his chest and began to stand up, still no whistle from the ref so #20 dropped the ball to his feet and Paul kicked him as he tried to shoot. The ref awarded a penalty and a straight red to Paul. Paul shouldn’t have kicked him but it was absurd that the ref never blew the whistle against #20 for taking down Paul and handling the ball (#20 knew he cheated and even apologized for it after the game). The Shamrocks converted and held on to win 2-1. Ultimate frustration.

It was a tough loss to swallow. We clearly weren’t good enough to overcome two game-changing calls against us. The teams played each other dead even so who knows what the outcome would have been if not for the ridiculous refereeing. Too bad it wasn’t determined by the players.

Back at the pub we got over it and raised a glass to an excellent season. This was our first season in the Over-30’s 1st Division, we made it to the playoffs, we proved we’re capable of competing with the best and the lessons learned from this season will only make us a tougher team next year.

By Mark Becker

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Old Boys Spark Greek American Collapse

Mar 25 2015 Published by under OldBoys

It’s been a long 3 months in football since the Old Boys last donned the famous Red shirt and descended upon Randall’s Island. Harry Redknapp retired due to a dodgy team knee, Pardew swept from Newcastle to Crystal Palace with the discretionary retreat of Ochoa to the Greys, West Ham content in reaching the magic 42pts have begun celebrating this feat a whole 3 months ahead of schedule, it appears Sepp Blatter will finally be ousted from the FIFA presidency, whilst New York City FC began life at Yankee Stadium with a comfortable 2-0 over New England Revolution.

Love it or hate it, football is a game enjoyed as much for its surprise extremities as its relied upon dependencies. And let’s face it, you can always rely on each and every member of the O-30 NY Greek American team to be a stand-up James Blunt. For those of you unfamiliar with the native tongue of Messrs. Stower and Edmunds, please see here: Cockney Translate

The Old Boys dusted off the winter break with an early-bird 8am KO. Having lost the away fixture 1-0 back in September, there were wrongs to be set right. The side had a new look about it having lost Sean Street and Dan Ault to warmer climates, whilst Edmunds and Penrod were AWOL and the Goalhammer was enjoying a ‘happy ending’ to the winter break on the beach in Koh Samui. The team did welcome back Steve Morse from his Legends sabbatical, and new Striker Ernest (or ‘Hemingway’ to his new team mates) was due to make his league debut for the Reds.

CPR had the better of the early engagements. Levy had a shot wide, and then smashed one onto the underside of the crossbar, whilst Hollins had a good long range effort sneak the wrong side of the post. The opposition showed little threat in the early exchanges. The only moment of note, Becker racing from his line to claim a long ball shouting “Keepers!’, leading the defense and attack in his path only for the ball to emerge out of the sun about 15ft away from where the keeper and play had followed. The man For Whom the Bell Tolls entered the fray with 10 minutes to go and proved a useful and physical addition to the CPR front line.

Following halftime, a different opposition emerged. Whether news of the Greek government stopping the production of taramasalata and humus in order to avoid a double dip recession had just broke (oh, come on!), a Yoghurt factory collapsed in the nether regions of long island, or a shipment of party-plates were found to be plastic dupes… Then, not since Stowers return from the CPR Miami soccer tour has any Greek ever looked so angry. Yet alone, 11 of them! Or soon to be 10…

Tackles flew in, punches were thrown, and eleven men flew around the field chasing the ball retained by the CPR midfield like the blind bull of Knossos. Shortly after the Athenian goat herders were reduced to 10, Hem found superior pace against the opposition defense and upon the second time of racing past the stagnant fullback, the ball fell kindly to Matt to tuck the ball away into the net. Game over.

As the poet once said: one angry Cretian doth not a euro-politician make. But in light of the country’s current problems, lets raise a pint of Percy’s finest to Angela Merkel.

–By Dave Sawyer

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Old Boys Beat Reigning Champs 3-1, Thank G.O.T. and Ms. Hollins

Sep 25 2014 Published by under OldBoys

The problem currently faced by the HBO network is that the next season of their flagship show ‘A Game of Thrones’ needs to be filmed before the next book is finished by author, George.R.R.Martin. A similar problem has arisen with the recent match analysis publishing’s from managerial author, Mark.R.R.Becker. Gone are the days of shirting away from work on Friday afternoon to casually flick through a third hand interpretation of Sundays opposition. Division One, in its Emperors Clothing of steeped skill and ability, has demanded a weekly biblical epic from our ethereal leader. The impact is such that even Edmunds, a man with the time of the world at his fingertips, had only made it to Chapter 3 by the time the referee called the captains to the center circle.

Now… Before proceeding to the game of the season (that which none of us must ever speak of again!) a shout out must go to Mrs Hollins. With Mr Hollins bed bound by an illness that WAS DEFINITELY NOT A HANGOVER, our favorite fan made an hour long round trip to drop off the kits with not so much as $3 Heineken to thank her for her efforts! A lady of steeled commitment, effort, and ability. She has our eternal gratitude. But then they do say that opposites attract.

The game was very much a battle of the midfield for the first 20 minutes. CPR lined up with Ochoa, Street, Creighton, and Jens in midfield, facing a strong Manhattan Kickers with a few bone crunching midfielders of their own. CPR certainly had the better of things when a freak back pass fell to the Kickers big center forward and he smashed a low left foot volley under Becker from close range.

CPR continued to have the better possession and it wasn’t long before a Levy free kick was palmed around the post by the outstretched keeper, and Sawyer had a left foot volley come back off the crossbar. CPR finished the half 1-0 down, but definitely with the momentum.

The Mark.R.R.Becker half time team talk is usually presented with more caution than a white mouse in a tampon factory. But not today. We all know that Becker had turned down the opportunity of throwing away his monthly hard earned at a poker table this weekend to step into Penrods ever-elusive shoes, and gambling was clearly still forefront in his mind. The team therefore lined up to attack, and press the advantage they had ended the half with.

CPR laid siege like Stannis Baratheon on Kings Landing and after only 5 minutes of play a towering header from Andy Jones whistled into the back of the net. A carbon copy of the Drogba equalizer in the Champions League final it was not… but the impetus was now firmly with the Rangers.

10 minutes later CPR were 2-1 up as Sawyer picked up a ball from Engler, shrugged off the opposing center-half, and shot low across the stagnant keeper into the far corner. Both he and the goalhammer then found their way into the referee’s notebook for tackles best not elaborated upon.

The goalhammer playing in an advanced role then smashed a ball against the post, before Stower was put through one-on-one with the goalkeeper only to see his shot sail well, well, well…. well, wide of the post. Could he have squared it to Jens? Apparently “the bobble’ in the turf made the outcome the only viable option. A more believable story would have been the last minute distraction by the hot Asian girl sat alone in the stands (come on, we all saw her!) but the bobble was claimed, and it was the bobble he stuck with. (thanks for the lift by the way Stower).  And then Sean smashed in a third goal.

Sean Street – goal scorer.

The CPR backline held firm to ward off the opposition threat and big credit must go to One-Eye, Paul, Dudley, Luciano, and Andy ‘Red Anger’ Jones for the best defensive performance of the season so far. Becker must also take credit for a second commanding game between the sticks.

At the referees whistle the euphoria was there for all to see. Its been a while since winning a game felt so good. A mood shared by seeing all 14 players return to Percy’s Tavern for a plate of wings and a cold Colaweizen. Man that shit is good.

-by David Sawyer

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Old Boys Tie Manhattan Kickers 0-0 Then Explore Percy’s Wheat Beer-Cola Mix

Sep 16 2014 Published by under OldBoys

The Old Boys kicked off at 10am this week against a strong looking Manhattan Kickers side. Starting in the newly favored 4-4-2 formation, both teams moved the ball around quickly and with good retention. The Metro 1st division seems to play a higher tempo, less physical game, with the focus being upon accurate passing and better movement – a cast iron reflection of the game to come.

Throughout the first half Manhattan saw more of the ball whilst the best chances fell to the Old Boys. The Kickers goalkeeper was quick off his line to deny a one-on-one for Hureau, and then Levy put Jurgen von Goalhammer through who from a tight angle, saw his shot come off the outside of the goalkeepers near post.

Manhattans best chance was a through ball, that Becker came out and dealt with by kicking the ball clear of danger. The defensive communication between Becker and Edmunds (a rouse for so much despair over seasons past) was, such a leap from previous methods of communication it made the release of the smartwatch a peripheral event in modern day communication news. No longer the Ike and Tina of the Old Boys backline, it was Simon and Garfunkel through soccer incarnation.

The second half was much to the Old Boys advantage. A whisper of a fitter team has been doing the rounds, and with Stower lasting to the 60th minute until eventually being substituted (a lighter shade of purple than usual), this claim carries some weight. Sawyer picked up a yellow card for questioning a contentious refereeing decision before seeing the best chance of the second half cleared off the line by an outstretched keepers leg. Questions of whether a squared ball could have produced a better result were called from the sidelines, but being the 85th minute, the CPR no.9 had already (and reluctantly) used up both of his passes for the mornings game.

At the other end Luciano and Paul kept the towering Kickers striker under close watch. For those of us fortunate enough to receive the managers pre game opposition analysis (I’m still waiting on mine and not holding my breath) it seems the ‘Andy Carrol long ball game’ was exactly what the tired legs were aiming for. The final throw of the dice saw Levy denied a STONE WALL PENALTY by a somewhat senile, arthritic, and short sighted referee. The final result was that both teams ended with exactly the same amount of goals, as the days Edmunds has to work this week… Zero.

Topics from the post-match review @ Percy’s Tavern:

What is this strange wheat beer and Coca-Cola drink that fuels von Goalhammer?

How many lieutenants did Bill have to go check on post-match at the St Gennaro festival?

How many more of these jokes can the author get away with before he has ‘an accident’?

Does Andy bringing a child to the Miami soccer trip, enable the rest of us to get a free pass for this trip under a ‘family event’ citation?

Who taught Becker 4-4-2?

By David Sawyer

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Old Boys Start Division 1 Life With 3-2 Win

Sep 10 2014 Published by under OldBoys

It was a great start to the season as the Old Boys began life in the top over 30′s Division for the first time in their history.

BW Gottshee were a much improved side from last season when many of the Old Boys had faced them playing as the Legends, and this was a hard fought game.  It was 1-1 at half with our goal coming from a nice cross from Sean Street on the left that Dan Ochoa knocked back into the center for a Matt Hureau header.  The Old Boys went down 2-1 early in the second half against the run of play but stuck with what was working earlier and found an equalizer in the 75th minute (another debut goal from Matt H.).  After the equalizer the Old Boys knew they were destined to take all the three points and Magic Dave Sawyer went on to score 2 just minutes later.

- Goals from Matt (2) and Sawyer
- Assists from Ochoa (2) and Creighton. (Not sure who assisted on Matt’s equalizer but maybe Ochoa?)

Next game is Sunday 10am against the Manhattan Kicker O-30.

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Old Boys Grind Out 2-1 Win vs. Niew Amsterdam

Nov 07 2013 Published by under OldBoys

The great Danny Blanchflower once said:

“The great fallacy is that the game is first and last about winning. It is nothing of the kind. The game is about glory, it is about doing things in style and with a flourish, about going out and beating the other lot, not waiting for them to die of boredom”.

This quote has been echoed by footballing purists throughout pubs and bars across the world since the opinion was first aired in the early 1960’s. Whilst this in an opinion I have always harbored, a new light came to mind as the doors of Central Bar closed behind me on Sunday afternoon. Sometimes the game is about going out there and doing the dirty work. Getting stuck in with your mates, and pulling together as a team. Getting ugly when you need to, and standing up and being counted for when the going gets tough. But more than anything else, it’s about killing a few pints after the match with three points in your back pocket and being able to laugh at those failed attempts for idealism.

The 9am Kick-off and New York marathon meant early rises for the Old Boys squad. 6am starts and redirected journeys for all those who didn’t meander across the footbridge to field #83. Hakans Jazz-wagon took a wide venture through the Hamptons, Montauk, and back up through Queens, but still the squad was fifteen strong by the time KO came around. The same could not be said for the opposition who managed a meek starting lineup of nine, to embrace the wind swept conditions.
With nine vs eleven, the game started as you may imagine with the Old Boys dominating possession and Neiw Amsterdam on the back foot. The ball found its way to both wings frequently as Amsterdam packed their penalty box with numbers to stem the advancing Old Boys. Andy Jones quickly felt the taste of the rugged defending as he was callously scythed to the ground, just managing to defy gravity long enough to hold a quick planking pose for the cameras, before audibly hitting the ground. It wasn’t Andy’s only moment on the turf either, as witnessed by the manager Rolling Mick Morse, and the amused subs bench. For only moments later, Mr Jones was also floored by a freak gust of wind that had him sat bewildered on the ground once more. We all saw mate. We all saw.
The match continued in heavy CPR pressure, finally paid off as Stower made a lightening run down the left flank, and before the ball had even found its way into the box, Engler was bought to the ground via an off-the-ball body check.

Cue the Goalhammer.

Calls of “Von Goalhammer” were heard from goalmouth and touchline as the man with ice in his veins picked up the ball, placed it on the spot, and positioned his run up from just outside the penalty area. The referee blew the whistle and all held their breath. All it is bar one nameless spectator with a notably cynical Birmingham accent, who was heard quietly mumbling “I kind of hope he misses”. Skeptic, pessimist, and stepover extraordinaire. I shall say no more.

Nevertheless the goalkeeper was sent the wrong way, and the Goalhammer struck no.5 for the season coolly into the lower right corner.

CPR kept the momentum and were soon two for the good as Creighton tucked the ball away calmly for the second week in a row.

Neiw Amsterdam who had started with nine men were quickly restored to eleven and made the added numbers count. The tricky no.13 winger picked the ball up wide before commencing on a mazy run and releasing a dipping curling shot from the edge of the box, also known as the classic Sensible Soccer finish.

The buoyant opposition now had the momentum and the game became a midfield aerial battle. High balls launched for the flick on from which both sets on center backs were tested in their ability to soak up the attack. It was at this time when Chris Williams, a man always alert to sniffing out disaster before it emerges decided to embrace the Armageddonand did what all men of honor do under such circumstances. No fucking around. The trousers came off.

The loss of Chris’s trousers seemed to rally the Old Boys and Von Goalhammer had the ball in the back of the net again before the break, only for the referee to call wrongly offside and not for the first time that day. Shortly after Hollins struck the crossbar, and Becker had to be alert to keep a shot out at the near post.
The halftime team talk was matter-of-fact and gritty. Stick to your guns and win the hard way. Solemn, stern, and to the point. The stark mood wasn’t helped by the departure of Bill ‘the Don’ Marsillo, but when a restaurant on Mott St. forgets to pay its protection money, it doesn’t matter what time of day it is or where you are. Business is business. We understand Bill, we’ve seen the Sopranos.

The second half can be summarized as follows:
- Edmunds invented a new way of heading the ball: The Buddha (the Buddha consists of crouching to your lowest possible standing height, and then launching yourself like a spring the moment the ball has passed your head).
- Kass mowed down the opposition winger with frightening frequency.
- The referee demonstrated that the offside rule is yet to gain popularity in Russia.
- Becker in a spike of temporary dementia thought he was Gianluigi Buffon in Serie A, and spent 25 minutes dribbling the ball into the corner of his area ‘time wasting’.
- A record number of yellow cards were recorded that did not directly relate to fouls.
- Creighton swore. YES, Creighton swears.
- We won. My god we won ugly. But we won.

And so to Central Bar (minus the kits).

Something was wrong the moment we stepped into the bar. A misdemeanor of incredible fluke had occurred somewhere within the astral plane that could not be easily quantified. As the Old Boys and Legends embraced to relay the morning’s events, the inconceivable became apparent. With all the probability of watching the panoramic scenery of the Northern Lights from the depth of a Moroccan wine cellar, Manny had scored the winning goal.

If you had not been in Lower Manhattan on Sunday, if you were not one of the 500,000 runners cornered as they passed back via Central Park, if you had more sense than to remain seated as Manny happened past your table on Sunday with the humble appearance of a peacock in mating season, let me save you 45 minutes of your future drinking time and talk you through the moment.

Something about 17 yards out.
Something about a one-time shot.
Something about a clustered penalty box.
Cue the misty eyes, and facial expression of a prepubescent teenager that has just shot an entire youths worth of bollock yogurt into a leather clad Heidi Klum. I am under no false impression that someone, somewhere, is currently being objected to the step-by-step replay.

Other noted banter from the post match analysis:
Will Sawyer ever reclaim any drinking credit following his demolishment at the hands of Von ‘Jaegermeister’ Goalhammer?
Did he have any credit to begin with?
Beckers epic Breaking Bad costume.
Edmunds amazing Gandalf costume.
Had Edmunds gone naked, would he have made a better Gollum?
Where the feck were the kits?
Can any food be classified more accurately as ‘mediocre’ than that found at Central Bar?

As the author left early, still too frightened to nourish a beer, the epiphany came to light. Sometimes its not about doing it the pretty way. It’s about being a team, getting in the trenches when times are hard, and grinding out those three points. Its ugly but the beer, banter, and great company make it all worthwhile. Nice work fellas.

By David Sawyer

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Old Boys Crush Manhattan Celtic 5 – 0

Oct 30 2013 Published by under OldBoys

As a throng of CPR alarm clocks rang through the state of New York, one man lay in defiance. One man turned his head over and said NO, today is not the day. One man in seeing his lie in slipping away like sand through his fingers embraced his indiscretion, pulled the warm covers back over his head, put his cell on mute, and enveloped in slumber where only the weak-willed dare to lie. That man’s name…?

Daniel Penrod.

Prelude: Let me take you back a week and to the aftermath of our Cup match penalty loss. Under the skeptical eye of Ms. P; Joe ‘Stepover’ P boldly claimed that had he been tasked with dispatching one of the nine CPR penalties, then CPR would be sat proudly in round 2. A daring claim, and one which unfortunately for The Stepover, left a lingering question unanswered in many of the listening minds…

And so to Randal’s Island! With no balls to warm up with and more hangovers on display than a Bradley Cooper film, it was once again left to Sgt. Brindley (who on evidence wears a hangover with the same elegance a horse wears a toupee) to lead the team on a merry dance across the field. Vodka, IPA, and Bourbon Iced Tea wafted across the hallowed turf as Stower took gleeful delight in goading those whose only breakfast had consisted of four crushed Advils throughout the subdued drill. The reluctance stretched right the way through to the management as Becker held out until just two minutes before kick-off before finally changing into Legends goalkeeper kit. It bears no small coincidence that in his reluctance to don the tangerine shirt, Becker could mistake a 4 foot Mexican from 60 yards for our 6’5 keeper. Twice.

The match finally got underway as the Old Boys eased into action. Steve ‘Jagger’ Morse (kudos to those who get the reference – sorry Steve-O, get well soon!), donned his Ron Atkinson trench coat and set to wringing the tactics from the touchline. In support was the Dogmatic Chris Williams, barking orders and enforcing the instructions. The pitch was about 3cm larger than the CPR Home pitch but how those 3cm make a difference. As the team adjusted to the greater space the Old Boys gradually took control of the passing. On the tenth minute a CPR corner was knocked away to the edge of the box where Engler teed up a thunderous volley, and smashed the ball home with aplomb. The opposition barely had time to adjust when Sawyer tucked in no.2, before putting a header down to Creighton who calmly tucked the ball home as if ice ran freely through his veins. Williams then introduced himself into the foray and Old Boys found themselves at halftime four to the good with no reply, as Williams’ cross into the area was accidentally steered into his own net by the Manhattan Celtic center back.


He may have the haircut of Skeletor, well he now has the dictionary. These three words will forever sit like a beacon in the memory of all those fortunate enough grace the field this day (obviously not you Dan Penrod… have I mentioned Dan didn’t turn up?). Destroy. Their. Souls.

Gone was the team that entered the arena, as the CPR eleven that took to the field for the second half stood tall and proud, men before the boys of only 45 minutes before. The half started at a frantic pace as the Old Boys pushed to sink more goals in their favor. The Stepover had clearly packed his bag of tricks as time and time again he shimmied and turned, danced and pirouetted, held the ball like a feather and had the opposition chasing shadows with the slightest drop of a shoulder. The CPR subs could do little but applaud and watch in admiration.

It wasn’t long before Jens ‘Von Goalhammer’ Faulhaber chased through a ball and smashed home goal no.5 past the goalkeeper at the near post. The right wing was having the better of things with the Jones/Ault/Engler combination moving the ball well up through to the strikers, whilst the rotation of Kass/Edmunds/Clarke held sure at the back.

Celtic rallied and pressed and for long periods but the CPR defense closed down well. The larger pitch took its toll and the subs rang with increased frequency as Morse looked to enforce momentum.

Credit must go to the referee for the second week running. Despite missing a blatant penalty and then handing out a dubious yellow card (the author bore close witness to both moments and say with a complete unbiased certainty that the referee was wrong on both occasions. And so it was written…) the referee made amends by finally awarding CPR the penalty that their previous play had deserved.

Cue the lingering unanswered question…

As Joe ‘The Stepover’ P’s penalty sailed WELL wide of the goalmouth, a wry smile came to all those fortunate enough to witness this moment of footballing magic. Not often does football, soccer, or any other broadly supported sport return such epic moments of smugness, yet this one will be cherished for years to come. The referees whistle blew moments after and at with a 5-0 scoreline to take back to the newly furbished Central Bar clubhouse, a rapturous entourage (minus Dan Penrod) made its way home to sample the new – and clearly watered down – Central Bar IPA.

By David Sawyer

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