After a long literary hiatus, this blogger returns rejuvenated, victorious, and as awkward as ever.

Good thing her team won their first game of the season against Kickers 2 on Sunday, March 22. The score? 3-0.

Jaclyn Scalzo, who entered motherhood 4.5 months ago, proved her childbearing hips could still shoot and score to put the Rangers on the board in the first half. She struck a half volley from 25 yards out and her power and pizzazz (accepted optional spelling) overwhelmed the Kickers' goalie.

The Whites continued to work out the kinks in the second half, which meant that Jo Snapp relieved superstar Lea Kiefer in goal. Despite LK's muppet-like demeanor, she combined with JS to keep the ball out of the defensive net. SHUT. OUT.

When Lea played on the field, she placed a corner kick on Shannon Maroney's shoulder to make up goal number two. Goal three came when freshman Kaitlin Dufton found a streaking Al McKeown, who beat two defenders and the goalie. It was pretty soccer. Stellar performances came from Katie Ruddy and Catherine Pacilio who kept the team organized and well, beautiful.

Player of the game? Obviously, it was Kevin Fink.

Return next week for an equally confusing recap.
xoxo

CPR White lost to the Magicians 0-3. But Katie Ruddy is my hero. And she should be yours too.

Gotcha! I just needed an ending to the last post.

On Sunday, October 5, the Rangers got their second victory of the season against Kickers 1. Just a suggestion: the #2 team might want to consider taking over #1's name if #1 is going to show up with only 9 players and lose to us 5-0, when the #2 team only lost to us 3-1.

The nine-woman team kept the Rangers to only one goal in the first half. Who do you think scored it? If you guessed Lea, you're right. Her goal came from a huge throw-in by Hannah Cohen, a new acquisition from the Bay area. She got another assist in the second half too!

Liz Hill served as goalkeeper extraordinaire and scared the Kickers so much that they they didn't even shoot the ball on goal. Right.

Welcome, Al McKeown (pronounced: goalscorer), who got two important goals in the beginning of the second half. Alle Sharlip was tenacious up top as well, and was relentless in scoring goal number four. Lea then got another goal, to make the score 5-0. What a nice number.

Did I mention the Rangers are so grateful to Liz Hill for being a terrific goalie and human being? Other notable performances included Sarah Lohr at marking back, and Gravity Goldberg who ran up and down the side of the field without tiring. Gump kept the team organized and calm because nothing got past her.

Great work, CPR. Next weekend will prove more difficult, no doubt.

Sure, it's not a very exciting title. You might be saying: "Lisa, you're better than this." Maybe, but because of the early onset senility and a busy schedule, this recap lacks the moxey that you might expect.

BUT, we won, suckas! We took Kickers 2 down 3-1 on Sunday, September 28. Granted, the Kickers thought we were playing table-tennis (and so did CPR White at points), as the ball slid around the slippery field with little control and even littler aim. Lucky for the Rangers, Lea Kiefer is a phenomenal forward and got a goal, despite her inability to stay on her feet. Dani(ela) Molina knocked one in too. She's also a solid forward, for the record.

When the Kickers got a goal in the second half, Lynsey Friedman (Birnbaum) stymied them with her eyes-closed, airborne, half volley that caught the Kickers' keeper out of position. The ball floated over the goalie's head and into the net with the greatest of ease. Phew.

Yom Kippur calls. See yas.

Welcome back, Rangers. Also, welcome, whites, back to soccer. After a few years of pinball, we're back to the real thing. And, gosh it feels good.

Some (one person) advertised his/her distaste for the "tastelessness" of this here match report, but I assure every one of you readers that I only make fun where it is due, and will happily make fun of us when we deserve it too.

For example...

Things CPR Whites need to work on:
-Being on time
-Passing and getting passes
-Winning
-Pretending to care as much as the other team?

This beautiful Sunday, September 21, marked CPR Whites' first game in the A Division. Spoiler: we lost to the Slackers.

The Rangers took the field and adjusted quickly to the fast pace of the game, strung some great passes together, challenged the Slackers in the air and in aesthetics, definitely, scored two goals (Lea and Shannon), and welcomed two new players to the field, Sarah Lohr and Dani Molina, who will both be valuable assets to our growing squad.

Jo Snapp almost missed the game and almost lost one glove, but proved, as usual that she can hang. Gumpy was solid as our sweeper and Lea showed everyone that she is not a hemophiliac. She clots quite nicely, in fact. Oh, and CPR Whites definitely bickered less with the referee than the Slackers. So that's a victory for us in concision. Hot.

Slackers: 3, CPR Whites: 2

Check back here weekly to watch how the Whites improve this season.

xoxo

Soooo I'll bet you didn't think we'd report on our last game of our last season. Well, you thought wrong! What's awesome is that this blogger doesn't even remember who we played.

All I remember is that they had no offense. But neither did we. So the game was a draw at 0-0. The field was pock-marked with divots and rocks, unlike the the beautiful faces of our opponents. They were sooo kind, sooo pretty, sooo smart and really good at singing. Ooooh, it was the Skulls. I'm almost certain.

Alas, the final game of CPR Whites' Division B tenure ended so indecisively. Onwards and upwards!

Follow us to the A Division, fans.

Special thanks to all four CPR players who came to the game on Sunday, May 18. Today's attendees were: Liz Hill, Catherine Pacilio (Gumpy), Lea Kiefer, Tiger Schulman, Afton Johnson, Sara Lappen, Kaitlin Dufton, Katie Ruddy, and Claire-bear. Oh, and Scala had about 32 players.

In the first half, Lea Kiefer drew and scored on a penalty kick and the White team went up 1-0. Liz Hill really had an honorable performance in goal but had to leave after the first half - for work. Waaaaahh.

And then there were eight. Sadly, the usually outrageously dangerous Rangers lost steam in the second half. And Scala scored two very lucky goals with excessively fresh legs and ripe body odor.

CPR White: 1, Scala: 2

Top notch efforts in goal were made by Afton Johnson, Sara Lappen and Katie Ruddy!

On Mother's Day, May 11, the CPR White team faced the somewhat fractured Skulls (really, Marbles and Scrappy) with 10 players in the semi-finals of the State Cup. After a scoreless first half, Coach CP told the gals how to bring their game to a higher level, and the Rangers did just that.

Lisa Schulman found Sara Lappen from a corner kick, who then found Lea Kiefer, who then found the back of the net, who then found the ball pass through its overly porous webbing.

CPR logged another goal ten minutes later when Lea and Lisa played give-and-go twenty five yards out until LS decided to shoot it and the ball sailed over the fingerless keeper's head.* Lisa's mother, the intended recipient of this lovely mother's day gift, missed the goal because nature had called a minute before that.

Goal three came when Cat Verri found LK on a goal kick. Lea flicked the ball between two defenders and carried it from half field to beat the goalie one last, satisfying time.

Good thing too, because then the Skulls scored twice because CPR decided not to play D because they were tired because they only had ten players because people flaked, duh. Nonetheless, sick keeper Jo Snapp made some death-defying saves.

CPR Women's White: 3, Skulls: 2

*Something in this sentence is a slight fabrication

Club: We didn't win on Sunday, May 4. I figured I should be up front about it. The CPR Whites knocked on heaven's door (weird analogy?) countless times, but in vain. Blech.

Cat Verri did a superb job in goal, getting the Whites another shutout. Also, the defense played like whoa. How is "whoa" spelled? Is the "h" at the end? I always wonder that.

Anyway, the Whites played strong defense and offense, and it was refreshing for them to have a challenging opponent. Next time, however, they'll score. They did score at the bar, though, as the waitress left a few beers off the tab. Don't worry, Drew. We paid them the full amount.

CPR White: 0, Fuel FC: 0
Now the team is on a tie-it diet.

Oh, and Shannon Maroney played really well. And, thanks, Katie Ruddy and Leslie Arndt, for playing!
_______________
On Sunday, April 27, the Women's White team played Phoenix for the third time this season. Each match-up yields the same result for CPR: a win. I feel sort of bad for the mythical birdies. Psych!

This time, the Whites thought to make it interesting by allowing Phoenix to score first. In all fairness, I should add CPR didn't have a trained goalie in net, AND they were playing with 10 gals, so Phoenix really should have scored a lot more.

At halftime and with a one-goal deficit, the Whites decided to step it up. Five minutes into the second half Kaitlin Dufton found Danielle Scalzo sprinting down the right flank, who rocketed the ball from thirty yards out into the far upper ninety. A second goal came from speed-demon Alle Sharlip when Lisa Schulman chipped the very flat defense. Alle found herself in a breakaway and beat the goalie with a changeup on the twelve.

Alle made the win definitive by getting a second (the team's third) goal on a sweet, and very intentional, nutmeg, through the goalies knob knees. Poor girl. Special thanks to Gump, Leslie, Afton and Lisa for taking turns in goal.

CPR Women White: 3, Hooked on Phoenix: 1

note: all measurements may have been exaggerated for effect. oh, and i am a double D.

I've got to stop going to these league meetings because, how can I write without conscience if I have to exchange niceties with the opponents?! You're in luck this time though; I don't feel THAT bad. Yet.

On April 13, CPR White added another W to their record by silencing the Sirens. Half one proved exciting, but the CPR gals only got one goal from Liz Hill, who was framing the goal as right wing. When Afton Johnson crossed the ball from the left flank, LH was there to shoot the ball as hard as she could from five yards out. The radar gun said it was 67 mph. Her skinny legs got power!

Lea Kiefer had a bit of an off-day, as she only scored three goals in the second half. Apologies to the assisting sisters who served the balls, but Sara Lappen gave her at least one of them--a pop fly from the goal line. Lea squared her shoulders and headed the ball, with conviction and flourish, into the net. Danielle Scalzo also found Lea, who, by the way, dances like a homeless muppet, making a lateral run. Lea touched the ball past the goalie and tapped the ball into the goal. Someone, probably Kaitlin or Liz, then gave LK another breakaway.

Sara Lappen added another on a half volley from a beautiful LK corner kick. Lisa Schulman got the final goal of the game from just beyond the top of the box, as she knew CPR needed six goals for a decisive margin.

Special props go to CPR's back line, who often are overlooked. Leslie, Lynsey, Catherine and Afton anchored the team with skill and ease. Jo looked good in goal, but saw little action.

CPR Women's White: 6, Sirens: White Noise

Victory tasted almost as sweet as the poo poo platter without the poo poo.

Why does Marshana think getting into a pool for the British bachelor is like giving him a kidney? It's like she sacrificed EVERYTHING.